Friday, February 20, 2009


a surprising number of domestic violence episodes do involve women as the aggressors, creating a new category of victim known as the battered husband. A battered husband suffers the same emotional, verbal and physical abuse as a battered wife, but is less likely to report these crimes to authorities.

The relationship between a battered husband and his abusive spouse can be very complex. A battered husband often employs the same defensive tactics as a battered wife, including denial, withdrawal and disconnection. The shame of owning up to a spouse's abusive behavior could cause a battered husband to defend her around others. Some excuses may be that his own actions triggered her violent response, or she's only reacting to post-natal stress. Denial can be a powerful coping mechanism for a battered husband, especially if he dreads the idea of having meaningful discussions with his abusive spouse.

Another characteristic of a battered husband is the tendency to disconnect from his own domestic problems. A battered husband will often spend more and more time at work, or take up a hobby outside of the home. In order to avoid potential conflicts, a battered husband may decide to sleep in the family car or spend his waking hours in a private den or office. A violent spouse may also be abusive towards children, either in the form of physical attacks or excessive punishments for minor infractions. A battered husband could remain in the abusive home strictly to protect his children from further abuse.

A battered husband may also find it difficult to pursue legal remedies against an abusive spouse. A number of states have domestic violence laws requiring law enforcement officers to arrest at least one of the combatants if physical injuries are visible. A battered husband may have been the victim of severe mental and emotional abuse for hours, but one defensive slap could tip the balance in the abusive spouse's favor. Enforcing a temporary restraining order against an abusive wife could also become problematic for a battered husband, especially if children are involved.

There are a number of support groups dedicated to sufferers of "battered husband syndrome." These groups also provide online information for men who may want to break away from a violent relationship but fear the aftermath. Some studies suggest that over 800,000 men become victims of domestic violence every year, but only a fraction ever report the abuse to authorities. Many men fear the social stigma of admitting they were powerless against a violent spouse, or the loss of meaningful time spent with their children following a divorce.
Bitch2 : I went to a domestic call yesterday and the man that answered the door had bruises on his face & body he stated that he had called the police on his wife and that this wasn't the first time she went CRAZY and hit him . By no means was this guy a wimp, he has a good career and had been in the military even risking his life in Iraq last year. Looking into his eyes you could see a broken man, embarrassed & humiliated by the women he married the women who quote "loves" him. This was such an unusual call because it almost always the abused wife not husband but I gave him the same advice as I would anyone who is in an abusive relationship.
GET THE HELL OUT no one has the right to hit, punch, scratch or threaten you EVER. After smelling the alcohol on his wife's breath and finding she has a mental disorder and would rather self medicate than get help that should tell you that she won't change. Now matter how hard you wish someone would change it doesn't happen people don't change. I don't understand especially why a man would put up with this kind of abuse. What does this type of behavior do to the children that can see and hear the fights and know mommy or daddy drinks to much ?
One in five adult Americans lived with an alcoholic while growing up. Child and adolescent psychiatrists know these children are at greater risk for having emotional problems than children whose parents are not alcoholics. Alcoholism runs in families, and children of alcoholics are four times more likely than other children to become alcoholics. Most children of alcoholics have experienced some form of neglect or abuse.

A child in such a family may have a variety of problems:

Guilt. The child may see himself or herself as the main cause of the mother's or father's drinking.
Anxiety. The child may worry constantly about the situation at home. He or she may fear the alcoholic parent will become sick or injured, and may also fear fights and violence between the parents.
Embarrassment. Parents may give the child the message that there is a terrible secret at home. The ashamed child does not invite friends home and is afraid to ask anyone for help.
Inability to have close relationships. Because the child has been disappointed by the drinking parent many times, he or she often does not trust others.
Confusion. The alcoholic parent will change suddenly from being loving to angry, regardless of the child's behavior. A regular daily schedule, which is very important for a child, does not exist because bedtimes and mealtimes are constantly changing.
Anger. The child feels anger at the alcoholic parent for drinking, and may be angry at the non-alcoholic parent for lack of support and protection.
Depression. The child feels lonely and helpless to change the situation.
Although the child tries to keep the alcoholism a secret, teachers, relatives, other adults, or friends may sense that something is wrong. Child and adolescent psychiatrists advise that the following behaviors may signal a drinking or other problem at home:

Failure in school; truancy

Why do people think its better for people to stay with these alcoholics or abusive spouses? It seems alcohol and abuse go hand in hand but this guy won't leave his wife and women wont' leave their husbands because it better for the children ?


Bitch1 says............ This happens far more then most people even release. As Bitch1 explained about her domestic call last night, how many times is it a given that the female is the "victim" of domestic violence.

Men........ Unite, speak out, seek counseling, and leave the abusive spouse. You will not be looked at as a wimp, but a strong man for not taking ABUSE......... It is abuse, no two ways about it. Times are a changing.

I for one was a "survivor" of domestic violence........... take the post above and just insert she for he....... No one was going to believe a Chicago Cop, that is in an "elite" unit, with special training took all this crap from her VERY educated and SPECIAL husband.......... And he played that card......As it was explained excellently in the comment below for one who served for our country and did a " specialized job". It seems inplausable. BUT it ISNT............. It can happen to anyone............ ANYONE........ The first time they strike you, the first time they become abusive, get out, because it is only going to get worse, never better. It is just prolonging the agony of defeat and their triumph of picking wings off a fly.......

Sociopath's have NO conscience. They feed off of you...... They snare you like a spider in a web, they learn your strengths and weaknesses and then play off the weakness to keep you there as their personal play toy.......... Year's of therapy will help, the scars always remain.

Peace to all.


Anonymous said...

My wife—in one of her drunken rages—took our daughter’s baseball bat and used it to smash the locked door to my study, where I was trying desperately to meet a deadline. And since I’m over 6 feet tall and muscular, I wouldn’t get much sympathy posing as a “battered man!”: I had thought of calling the police that night. When I recalled this incident to my divorce lawyer some time later, his response was: “It’s a good thing you didn’t, because the police probably would have arrested you

Anonymous said...

What a man should do

Anonymous said...

I was in an abusive relationship for 8 1/2 years. My marriage started out well, but as my wife became more successful in her career, she also became emotionally abusive and controlling. The emotional abuse escalated into physical abuse, and I remember the first time she threw a remote control into my head, I felt devastated. That abuse escalated to punching, kicking, breaking wine glasses over my head, and eventually she attacked me with a butcher knife. I felt ashamed to let anyone know, and felt trapped in the marriage because she made more money than me. As her success grew, she quickly forgot how I wrote all of her papers in college and helped promote her career. She thought she was superior to everyone including me. I tried to get us both in counseling, and she refused. The abuse became so unbearable, that when she took a trip to Mexico, I left her and filed for divorce. When she returned from the trip and found the divorce papers, she tried to reconcile only to put me back into the abusive cycle. Through the support of family and friends, I had the strength to break away. It has been 10 months now, and I am finally starting to heal. I am an ex special forces operative for the US military, and have a Masters degree. I am successful in my own right, but I always thought that things would get better even though they kept getting worse. I have never hit a woman, but had to restrain my ex when she attacked me with the knife. It bruised her arms, and she claimed that I hit her. Although the cops were never called, (Thank God), her sister who is a cop encouraged me to leave. I still feel somewhat humiliated considering my background, but trust me when I tell you that wife abuse and battered husband syndrome are real. On several occasions after she kicked the heck out of me, she would say who is going to believe that an ex-special forces trained soldier is getting beat up by his petite little wife. Thank the good lord that I finally came to my senses and left.

Ky Long Rider said...

I applaud you discussing a problem that most people won‘t even acknowledge exists. I have known 2 different men in my lifetime that have lived in a situation where the wife was abusive both emotionally and physically. When they tried to escape the wives claimed they were the ones being abused. The husbands were arrested, fired from their jobs and their lives ruined.

Society still stereotypes men as the one with the emotional and physical strength in a relationship. The prevailing notion is we’re all John Wayne and we don’t take that crap from anyone. People look at those men and ask how a man could be battered, how could he allow that to happen, why doesn’t he leave, etc…

At times, men just as women stay in bad relationships for a lot of wrong reasons. Many times it’s fear of reprisal, loss of their children, threats of more violence or arrest, the fact that actually love their abuser and hope they can do that one thing that makes them happy.

Abuse is a knife that cuts both ways. Unfortunately justice isn’t blind enough yet to see.

Anonymous said...

Early Warning Signs

Female domestic violence begins just like its male equivalent - with the first slap, punch or hurled object. But if the victim's a woman, she will view this first violent act as a very serious sign that there's trouble brewing. A man will tend to play down the incident or tough it out, often making a joke of it. Take action with the first slap. Don't be melodramatic or wait until things have started to cool down. It's important to act decisively. Explain that you don't like being hit - just like you imagine she wouldn't enjoy it.

Look for reasons for her behaviour. Was it a stressful time? Did it occur because you made a cutting or insulting remark? Did it happen because something you did annoyed her? Was it alcohol-related? Was it due to anger over a past relationship or does it stem from a history of violence in her family?

Research shows that domestic violence is often the product of a violent upbringing. Explore all these avenues, decisively and precisely, and then let it rest. But let her know that the first slap was taken very seriously indeed.

If it happens again, there is a risk of a pattern being established and even more decisive action must be taken. If you spot a trend appearing, make sure you discuss it.

To ensure that she knows how seriously you view the second incident, it may be time to consult her family. It may be embarrassing for her, but if you have a good relationship with her side of the family, it may help pinpoint a problem.

Three strikes and you're out. Domestic violence escalates quickly and if matters become really heated, you too will be drawn into the violence, to the point that you'll be tempted to strike back. Under no circumstances retaliate.

After a third incident it's time to consult a counsellor. Get the violence out into the open with someone outside the family circle, irrespective of how embarrassing it is for your partner. This also creates an important legal precedent.

No matter how remorseful your partner appears after the event, don't let her off the hook. Keep working at the problem and repeatedly stress that it shouldn't have happened in the first place. If the violence escalates to the point where you become concerned for your safety or that of your children, it's time to take the most drastic step of all - a domestic-violence order. This puts the matter in the hands of the police and courts and brings home the reality that she is on the verge of being criminally charged. If matters have degenerated to this stage, counselling is a must and you may have to consider temporarily leaving the relationship.

leomemorial said...

off topic

thanks to the bithesinblue for donating to st baldricks for mia.

it's great to see our fellow ladies/officers out here. be safe.

Hogday said...

A good solid post as usual.

Having worked closely with women's refuges for many years I tip my hat to these workers. True here in UK too, re male victims. Very few support agencies other than Victim Support (national registered victims charity - a broad `church`). I'll do a post soon on some UK DV.

Anonymous said...